Fences make sane mommies

I can't contain her.
I have no method of keeping her entirely safe.
She can climb out of her crib.
She can climb over the couch.
She pushes the gate, the chair, the table...
My other children were content to be given a space.
Sometimes they did not like it, but we kept them there and they learned to deal with it.

She will not be confined!!!

she really wants to go outside

she is OPENING the window locks!

she's out.

Enough

The one time I knew I was beautiful was on my wedding day.
And that was all I needed to know.  Honestly, it is enough.

I have always considered myself average.  My nose is too big and my ears stick out.  I've been told all my life that I look like my Dad, which is great and all, but I am a girl so it chips away at your self image of feminine beauty.  I never thought I was down right ugly, but I never thought I would strike anyone as beautiful.

My husband was the first person to ever treat my as if I was special enough to be thought of as beautiful.  He picked me, held the door for me, treated me as if I was beautiful, or at least, could hope that I might be.  He dated other girls.  I dated other guys.  We went to senior prom together, but we spent the next six years getting together and being pulled apart over and over again.  But he never stopped saying I was beautiful.  He was the only one.  I didn't know if I believed him, but I wanted to.

June 12th was our wedding day.  The day before I was staying at my parents' home and spent the night sleeping on the floor because we had guests.  It rained hard that night.  I remember because I couldn't sleep.
The morning of the 12th I woke up and got ready.  I didn't go to a hair dresser.  I didn't wear make-up--perhaps just mascara and lip gloss.  I pulled my hair back in a simple barrette.  
Eric and I left early--before everyone else--to go get our pictures taken.  We drove to the temple, then went to change into our wedding clothes for pictures.  The older sisters in the temple that helped in the bride's room thought it was strange that we were going to have our pictures taken before the ceremony.  I put on my wedding dress and my veil and grabbed my bouquet.  They went in the hall to make sure Eric was there so that he could see just as I exited the bridal room.  I was told I could come out and he was standing by the doorway.
I don't know what it was that he did. Did he gasp?  or say, "Wow!"?  Maybe he just stood there.
That was when I knew that he really did think I was beautiful.
That was when I knew I was beautiful enough.

Magazines, movie stars, plastic surgery, other women that I see everywhere.  There is so much all around me to make me think I might not be beautiful enough.  That there is more that I need to do.  That there is a smaller size that I should be.  That my hair needs to be colored or highlighted.  That my clothes aren't fashionable enough.  That I need to learn how to use anti-wrinkle cream.
But I know I am beautiful.

Good Questions

The lesson on body image went really well.  But we ran out of time. We had the girls put their own questions on a piece of paper and put it in a basket and then we didn't have time to answer all their questions.  But they were really good questions.  Here are some of them:

• Is it rude to try to help my sister look cuter even when she doesn't really want any help?
• How can I tell my friends to dress modestly without being rude to them?
• Why do women care about how they look these days?
• Are pierced ears OK?
• Why do bad hair days bring me down so much and how do I make my hair look okay?
• Are people always looking at my skin or am I paranoid?
• How exactly do you find out who you are?
• I have some friends who talk a lot on people's physical appearance. They often make jokes that are not appropriate. Should I still be friends with them?
• Self doubt
• How should I dress modestly if there is a dance at my school?
• Is it wrong to try to look good?
• It drives me crazy when people talk bad about other people, but I'm too shy to say anything.
• Is it also bad to feel both superior and inferior?
• Does your dress/skirt have to go to your knees

• My friend wears super short shorts and always asks my why I don't. What should I say?
• How long exactly should our dresses, shorts and skirts be?
• What would you do if you have a great friend but she isn't modest at all but she has a beautiful personality?

Don't you love these questions?  They are so HONEST!  They are questions from young women seriously searching to do the right thing.  She is looking for the 'whys' of the standards she has been taught to find out what she will do and what she will become.  You can hear them trying to do what is right, trying to be a good friend, trying to make sense of who they are.  I wish we would have had more time to talk about these questions.  We've got to have a follow up on this stuff... and soon.

A Healthy Body Image

I work with the teenage girls in the youth group at my church. Using Mormon lingo, I have been called to serve as the Mia Maid leader in my ward.  This means that I am part of the Young Women Presidency (a President, 2 counselors, and a secretary) which oversees Sunday lessons and mid week activities for the girls in our congregation ages 12-18.  The Mia Maids are 14 and 15 years old so I focus on activities and lessons specifically for them but often we join together and do something as all young women and at least once a month we join together for an activity with all youth, boys and girls, ages 12-18.
Over the past month, as a young women presidency, we have been focusing on how to best present a lesson on body image to the girls.  It isn't in the manual.  There have been several lessons lately about caring for our bodies: keeping them healthy, staying away from drugs and alcohol, things like that.  This was uncharted ground but we really felt a need to get down to the nitty and gritty.  We wanted each girl to know how much we loved them, how much God loves them, and how beautiful they really are.  We spent hours talking about how to present the lesson.  There were emails back and forth with links and ideas and it kept getting bigger and bigger.  Should we have guest speakers? should we have their mothers comment?  would they listen to us? how much time could we really take?
We realized that most importantly we wanted them to know that WE understood body image issues, and we wanted them to know that nothing is taboo when it came to talking about self esteem and loving yourself.  If they had a question, a problem, or a friend with a problem, or they were just curious, they could come and talk to us about it.

So I have been thinking a lot this past month about how I view my own body, my own looks, how I measure up.  When did I start to notice and care about my body?  Who has influenced how I see myself?  Who do I allow to influence my thoughts?
It is getting late and my thoughts will begin to ramble, but I am thankful for the opportunities I have had to see my body as more than just an image.  I am a vessel of life.  I am a mother.  My body takes me places where I met amazing people.  I had to walk and walk and walk as a missionary in my early 20s.  My body got me to those places.  My hands can make food and clothing.  My mind can think (except when I am too tired).  My voice--it is not the greatest--but I LOVE to sing!  My mouth really likes kissing--husband kisses and baby kisses too.  But I also love smiling.  Smiling can change a day around, for me and for those I give a smile to.  My body can heal.  I had surgery to remove my thyroid--and my body is healing itself.
I used to be self conscious.  I did not want any attention because I feared it would be bad.  I did not speak my mind.  I did not like my hair.  I did not like my voice.  I decided I was not beautiful and called myself average.  I thought that make-up and hairstyles cost too much money and time and that neither was worth it for me.   And I got on with my life.  My husband called me beautiful, and eventually I believed him.  My friends called me wonderful and eventually I believed them.  My daughters called me mommy and I was.
I don't worry so much about how I look now a days.  Yes, I wish I was thinner.  Yes, I have bad hair days. But I surround myself with me and the things that make me happy, instead of what the world tells me I should be.

NaBloPoMo?

National Blog Posting Month?
Ok, i'm gonna do this.
Every year my husband tries for the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).  I think it is awesome.  One year, I am going to write a novel too.
But it is not gonna happen when I still have small kids because in order to write a story you need to have a story line and a plot and conflict and well rounded characters, and a theme.  But I will be interrupted too often and I'm either too ADHD or not ADHD enough to hold together a story and a family at the same time.
But a blog entry a day, I think I can do that!!

Today is about choir.
What a wonderful thing to be able to sing!  Music was a big part of growing up Erickson.  It might not seem that way because we quit music lessons as often as we started them.  But, boy did we sing!  We sang with the banjo, the radio, the guitar, the cassette tapes, and the piano.  We sang in the car, doing dishes, folding laundry, and into the night when we were supposed to be going to sleep.  We sang to Kingston Trio, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Boston, Eric Clapton, and Weezer.  My dad never got the family band that he wanted, but we sang.
Singing is an instant pick me up.  It can also help us wallow in misery and loneliness, but there are some songs that you just can't sing without a smile! (Don't Worry, Be Happy; Fun, Fun, Fun; Popcorn Popping)
Tonight I got to attend Elizabeth's choir concert.  What a delight!  They sang a song based on a poem written by a child at the Terezin Concentration Camp in Czechoslovakia during World War II.  The song is called Birdsong by Paul Ryan.  There were a couple of other numbers as well, but this one was so uplifting and full of hope and beauty.
Just like Elizabeth.
While she is still so young, she is getting older everyday and she sees the world ahead full of hope and beauty.
And singing.

'Cause grandma is far away

for my mother.
I need to get better videos of Erica 'cause she is so stinkin' cute and she is probably the last baby, and...i just need to get more videos.
I was holding her on my lap, snuggling and reading a book on my birthday this week.  it crossed my mind that this may be the last birthday where I can sit with one of my babies on my lap.  I cried and held her tight.
Here are some pictures of Erica wearing one of my dresses from when I was 2 years old.  She had no intention of holding still for the camera or looking at the camera, or cooperating in any way, so I took what I could.

and: Halloween.
for the Ward Trunk or Treat we had a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Thorn in peasant clothes from the book "Bone" and Elizabeth was a scarecrow.  Maire was Rainbow Dash pony from My Little Pony--she had rainbow hair and a rainbow tail too :)

Thyroid Cancer

On July 16th I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer.
It was a complete surprise.  Physically I feel fine.  As fine as a mother of 5 typically feels--completely exhausted and scatterbrained.  But at my physical, the doctor found a lump in my neck.
Two ultrasounds and a very long and tiny needle later, and I have Papillary Cancer and my thyroid will have to be removed.
I wanted to 'announce' my diagnosis to my friends on line in a light-hearted way, and in a way that I wouldn't have to keep answering the same questions over and over again.  So I made a video and posted it on facebook.  I'll post it here too.

Or you can watch it on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDDD15rRvl8&feature=plcp

I am in denial and terrified all at the same time.  But I am also very blessed because I am surrounded by family, supportive friends and good doctors, and this cancer is not aggressive and it is easily treated.